She does not sleep well at night. She would wake up screaming in the middle of the night, twisting her body, getting upset if her pajamas pants went up an inch and didn't cover her heels or her sleeves are not covering her hands. She would want to go to the table to make milk or she would want to go down or she would want us to put her on the bouncing net. When we complied, she would get upset; no, that is not what she wants. And she would continue screaming and crying Basically, she wants to do a lot of things but she doesn't really know what she wants. This episode can go from 10-20 minutes.
Imagine high pitch screams, non-stop (except to catch her breath) for 20 minutes, every night at 3pm for the past 3 months. It wears us down. We are not getting enough sleep and poor Anne is developing a back ache from carrying her - and Jan only wants her mommy. She doesn't even want me to touch her.
We normally kept our cool, because we knew it is not something she could help.. but at times, we are just too exhausted and too exasperated and while we have never showed it, we just feel like spanking her. I used we - because both Anne and I talked about this and we shared our feelings, although we are also ashamed to admit it.
What we don't know is the cause of these episodes. Some say it is 'night terrors'. We think it could be her skin irritation (like her mother when she was young, Jan had some skin sensitivities and would often scratch her arms or stomach). We also think it could be due to excessive stomach wind.
Somehow, Jan has a bloated stomach. Various doctors and specialists, even Chinese traditional doctors all agree that she has a lot of wind. None of them know what causes it and always asked us about the food we gave her and her bowel movement. We are very careful with her food and initially she had trouble with bowel movement but that has passed when we forced her to drink more water, eat more oats and fibers, etc. So despite a good bowel movement and controlled diet, her stomach is still bloated. I think that must be very uncomfortable to her. It could be the reason for the screams at night.
When she's having one of these episodes and nothing we do could pacify her, I can't help but questioned why she has to face this? She's a fortune baby, we chanted a lot of daimoku for her so where are the protection? We chant for her to change her karma, to have the courage to overcome her night terror and to have her stomach wind subside. She's also chanting and yet, she has to suffer this. How come her karma is so strong such that she's not having a comfortable and joyful life? What about us as parents? Why do we have to go through such an ordeal?
When people asked me about my daughters, I would complained that Jan made life very difficult for us. I'd say I wish she's this and that.
In one of my chanting sessions, as I reflect on this and I realize a couple of important points:
1. if I kept on complaining about Jan to other people, I have lost in life. Buddhism is about winning, about overcoming difficulties. What would other people think of us, a Buddhist practitioner, who is defeated over this small issue? We learned that no matter the difficulties, we need to overcome them with a positive mindset. There are people who have cancer and they live their life full with positiveness and in fact able to encourage other people. That is the model Buddhist practitioner.
There are times when Anne and I spoke about how great Chris, our neighbour's spirit is, because despite her challenges, she faced them head on and continue to be very active in SGM activities and continue to encourage other members. Our friends will not think we are great because we complained about our helplessness to overcome Jan's trouble. We have lost. I need to change this mindset.
Sharing on The New Human Revolution, titled “Courage”:
- Nichiren Daishonin writes “If they complain of hunger, tell them about the suffering of the world of hungry spirits. If they grumble that they are cold, tell them of the eight cold winds. If they say they are frightened, explain to them that a pheasant sighted by a hawk, or a mouse stalked by a cat, is as desperate as they are”.
- When people feel isolate and think they are the only one suffering, they may succumb to self-pity and weakness. But there are always those who have it worse off than us and yet are still making an effort. When we realize this, we feel courage. And by looking down on our own suffering from a higher plane, we can grow into people who can even encourage our friends who are also struggling.
2. The other important point that I realize - it is not her karma but my own karma that I have to overcome. I have to accept ownership and responsibility of this issue that she face. In my chanting, I sent Jan daimoku for her to be able to overcome her karma. But if you think a step deeper, what's happening to her is a bitter medicine for us, her parents to take to grow, so we are able to go back to our roots in faith and not slacken in our battle with our fundamental darkness. She's teaching us not to lose temper, teaching us to chant a lot more to further lessen our own karma, to teach us humility.
We still have the episodes we have to overcome every night. I now know I have to do it positively, without grudges, without questioning why it happened even to a Buddhist practitioner. I know why it happened (it is my karma) and I know how to address this issue. I need to go ahead and overcome it with faith.
